Lyle’s Logs (7/6/2012)

My next appointment with Liz is on Friday…I wish it was sooner. This shit always gets worse at night, I know emotional disorders run in the family, Maris clearly had a few of her own and Evan takes pills for hers. But Liz said that mine wasn’t full PTSD just anxiety and trauma mixing together to fuck me up. She said that I should be doing better in a month, not good enough to be without the nightmares, but functioning better with them. I am a bad husband, fucking awful. I need to be there for my wife, and I know that I am, I get her everything that she asks for, I tend to her every whim. I love her and I spend time with her. But…I see the look in her eyes, that worry. I don’t want to give her a reason to worry about me, I don’t want to stress her and worry her and hurt the babies. The babies…I want to be a good father to them and right now it feels like I just don’t have the energy to ever make that happen. Like every bad thing in life is going to wear me down into this state and I am gonna do nothing but fuck them up. I don’t want that for them, but climbing out of this hole…I’ve never tried to do anything that seems so impossible.

Most people would cry in my situation, but I am too tired to cry. Every emotion I exude takes effort, at least…not the emotions towards Alaizabel. I don’t want to tell her that though, it would put pressure on her that she doesn’t need right now. Like I said she needs to focus on the babies not focus on the fact that I am losing my fucking mind and I am clinging to her like a lost puppy needing a guiding light. Maybe it’s me trying to replace Maris with Alaizabel in terms of a mother figure, or maybe it’s the fact that Alaizabel has been the only person to break through all of the anger. I don’t know, I’m too tired to debate that.

I’m too tired for a lot of things right now. I just want to be better…